Relationships affect every part of our lives. When they’re going well, we’re on top of the world. But when our key relationships aren’t as happy as we’d hope, life becomes that much harder. If you and your partner are struggling, therapy can help.
Do you feel disconnected from your partner?
Are you avoiding important topics because the conversations tend to go badly?
Are you having the same fight over and over again?
Have you stopped listening to each other?
Are you struggling with a challenging situation or past trauma?
Are you trying to navigate tricky blended family dynamics?
Are you a neurodiverse couple that can’t find a healthy balance?
I love helping couples reconnect, so they can have the relationship they really want. In addition to being IFS Certified, I have advanced training in Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO aka IFS for couples). IFIO is my go-to tool with couples because, in most cases, it is the most effective method I’ve found to resolve longstanding issues. I also use tools from the Gottman Method, Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy, and Imago Relationship Therapy, so I can tailor my approach to your needs.
I strongly recommend 80-minute sessions for couples because extended sessions give us the time to dive deep and make more progress. (I also offer intensives.) My fees are $160 for an 50-minute couples/family session and $250 for an 80-minute couples/family session.
Couples Counseling
Art by Nadia-Valeska Devonish (IG @nadia__valeska). Located in Christchurch, New Zealand.
If you’re ready to reach your relationship goals, schedule a free 15-minute consult today.
How Does It Work?
-
Consult
Couples Therapy begins with a free 15-minute consult. It’s important that both you and your partner feel comfortable with me and my approach. This is your chance to ask questions, learn about my approach, and make sure we’re a good fit.
Artist Unknown. Located in Joshua Tree, CA.
-
Assessment
In the first session, we’ll go over your intake forms. I’ll ask deeper questions, and together, we’ll get a sense of what’s going on. Couples are complex systems, so I’ll assess the issue in greater detail over the next few sessions.
Artist Unknown. Located in San Francisco CA.
-
Learning
In the first few weeks and months of our work together, I’ll share some psychoeducation to help us understand why you’ve gotten stuck and how you can make changes. We’ll also work on skills we’ll need for the final phase of therapy.
Artist Unknown. Located in Chicago, IL.
-
Inner Work
Sometimes we’re wounded in relationships, and we need to work on repair. However, those wounds can be extra painful if they poke at pain from the past. If your past trauma is showing up in your relationship, we may explore intrapsychic work, too.
Artist Unknown. Located in Austin, TX.
-
Practice
As they say, practice makes perfect. Once we’ve learned the skills you’ll need to revitalize your relationship, you’ll practice them in session, so we can address any snags and build the mental muscles you’ll need to move forward.
Artist Unknown. Located in Fairfax, CA.
Secrets to Couples Counseling
1. Choose the right therapist.
When you start couples counseling, you’re going to share some intimate details about your life and relationship with your therapist. If you feel a little awkward at first, you’re probably doing it right. That’s why it’s so important to choose the right therapist. Both you and your partner need to feel comfortable with them and their approach. Ideally, you’ll also find someone who specializes in issues that are relevant to your relationship. If you’ve spent some time on my website and feel like we may be a fit, reach out to schedule a free consult.
2. Consistency is key. Start with weekly sessions.
Couples counseling is a commitment. Most of us have tight schedules, so it can be hard to find consistent weekly times that work for everyone, but building up momentum, especially in the beginning, is crucial. You didn’t get here overnight, so it’ll take time to heal old hurts and make big changes. In fact, it’ll probably take longer than you’d like, but inconsistency will slow the process. Sometimes couples start therapy wanting to meet every other week or once a month—in my experience, that approach doesn’t work. If you’re investing in couples counseling, give yourself the best chance of success by planning to meet weekly. (And if that’s just not possible, see if you and your partner are candidates for an intensive.) Once we’ve made progress, I’m happy to shift to less frequent appointments as soon as it’s appropriate. After all, part of my job is to make myself obsolete by giving you the tools you need to be successful without me.
3. Commit to change (regardless of what your partner does).
Most people enter couples counseling hoping the therapist will make their partner change. I’ll cut to the chase—it doesn’t work that way. If both people point at their partner, waiting for them to change first, they’re playing emotional chicken, and they’re sure to remain stuck. As part of our work together, I’m going to challenge you to do what IFS founder Richard Schwartz calls the “u-turn;” instead of blaming your partner, I’m going to invite you to take a deep look at yourself. When you’re brave enough to look at the way you’re showing up in your relationship, you’ll see where you can grow as a person and a partner. Yes, your partner may be uniquely qualified to push your buttons, but what matters most is how you respond. I’ll encourage you to set autonomous goals for change based on where you most need to grow. When both partners take positive steps independently, that’s when the magic happens.
4. Regulation. Regulation. Regulation.
For some people, this is the hardest part. I believe you and your partner can handle just about anything if you can talk about it, but it’s nearly impossible to have a productive conversation if you’re not calm enough to listen and to think clearly. When we’re calm, we have access to our prefrontal cortex—that’s our thinking brain. It helps us connect with people and solve complex problems. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to access this part of the brain when we’re feeling dysregulated. In other words, when we feel threatened or upset, when we’re raising our voice or our heart is pounding, our limbic system is probably running the show. That’s the emotional center of our brain. It’s great at helping us survive, but it’s not so good at navigating difficult conversations. In our sessions, I’ll help you practice new regulation skills—I may even interrupt you, but it’s inservice of helping you learn to stay regulated when it matters most.
5. Practice at home to make faster progress.
We’ll learn a lot in our sessions together, but you’ve got to practice between sessions to hone new skills and shift old patterns between you and your partner. At most, we’re only together 80 minutes per week, so you can’t expect significant change if you’re not working toward your goals outside of our sessions. While all of my homework is optional, the most successful couples dive into the process and practice every chance they get.
6. Get Started
Research shows that most couples wait six years before they seek help with their relationship challenges. Unfortunately, the longer you wait, the longer it’ll take to unravel unnecessary pain. If you’re thinking about couples counseling, I encourage you to be proactive. Reach out to schedule a free consult today.